Today I am feeling under the weather and while taking a rest and browsing Facebook, I came across an article that both intrigued me and left me incensed at the same time. First, I have to warn you, my views are my views, if you don't like them, walk. I don't care if I seem rude or if your views differ from mine, respect my differences and I will respect yours, nothing you say will change my mind. Spewing hatred of my views will only make others or myself attack yours and it is a vicious cycle that accomplishes nothing.
Now that I have posted that disclaimer let me begin, I have a newly teenaged daughter. From the first second she was laid in my arms I have thought she was beautiful. As she has grown, we have adopted being very open with her about any situation, we do not hide behind closed doors to talk about finances, our irritations or our parenting decisions. We have taught her to love God, to ask him for guidance and to consider his precepts before making decisions. I have also been completely honest with my daughter about sex, she talks openly with me when she has a question and I have answered the questions, given every slang word I am privy to and discussed her ideas on the subject. With that said, here is what I really want to say.
The article that inspired this post was regarding a mother's letter to the middle school girls that told her son he was hot. Well, I have a letter to my middle school girl too and it has nothing to do with who you thought was cute, but everything to do with how you present yourself. I am writing this directly to my daughter not some fictitious girl or someone I saw in the great beyond doing something I didn't agree with. However, if you are out there and no one has bothered to tell you this, by all means, let me be your mama voice for a minute.
My beautiful girl,
From the moment you were laid in my arms I knew that you were going to be a force to be reckoned with, my quiet storm. Each year that you grew I never paid mind to what you wore, how others looked at you, how others viewed my parenting skills or anything other than keeping you safe and healthy and loved. Something happened around the end of elementary school that I never expected, I noticed men, that is right, MEN, looking you up and down. You were not dressed provocatively, we had done nothing to make you look older, or painted your face with makeup. It was then that I realized I had to keep you safe, healthy and loved in a whole different perspective.
When I say you are beautiful it is not measured by your outward appearance. I see your kind heart, your willingness to help others, your happy go lucky spirit, your ability to adapt to change, your perseverance. The world will tell you differently, but your soul is the most beautiful thing about you. When a boy says you are beautiful, it may come from a different place, a place of lust and desire for your physical appearance. It will make you feel powerful, almost invincible, to know you have that effect on someone, however, remember that he doesn't see your soul. If you have to date, when the time is right and though your dad would rather you wait until you are thirty, look for that boy that loves you with messy hair, mud all over you and laughs along with you even when you look your worst.
You can wear a bikini, a low cut shirt or shorts that leave nothing to the imagination. The pop stars and the fashion magazines are correct, it will attract whomever you wish it to attract. You can sashay your hips, puff out your lips, bat your eyelashes and flirt until you fall over, and it will work. Boys will line up to date you, to take you places, buy you things. As your mom and a girl that felt all these things, though you may call me stupid or crazy, they won't fill your heart with what it ultimately longs for, that feeling of everlasting love. That power you feel over a boy's arousal is only temporary, and without an eternal commitment to only love you, their desire will dissipate if you give yourself away.
More than anything, you do not need a boy or a man to make you more than what you already are. You are strong and brave, you are smart, you are kind, you are so many things on your own they are too numerous to list. God made men (and boys) to desire a help mate, he made woman out of a man's rib to remind man that a piece of him is missing without that perfect piece to complete him. This will sound silly, but you are that rib bone for someone God intended just for you. Every path you take and every decision you make will lead you to that person and those decisions will determine if you are whole or broken when you get there. As your mom, I hope and pray that you are whole, that you don't get broken by all these stones in your way to womanhood. I pray you rise above your peers' attitudes that their beauty is validated by lust and desire. I pray that you realize how awesome you are all on your own, that you come to the realization that sex has nothing to do with how special you are. I pray for the now boy that will become the man you fall in love with, that he is too dodging all the pitfalls in his path and that his decisions are molding him into something worthy of what an awesome, exquisite creation you are becoming.
In becoming even more awesome you have so much more to do before you are ready to commit to fulfilling someone else's needs. See the world, graduate high school, graduate college, have fun with your friends, write, draw, paint, run, fly, soar, climb, hike, trek. Do everything you want to do and then, when all these things would seem better shared with someone else, begin searching for that someone else. In the process, don't forget that you are still exquisite, worthy of only the best and most perfect love.
I have been honest with you and told you that dad and I had our fair share of mistakes on our path to each other. We were not immune to those same feelings you will and are experiencing. Life after making those decisions was hard. Your dad and I both came to our relationship broken, and instead of being whole, we had pieces missing and repairs to be made. I don't doubt that we were meant for each other, that we are the completion of each other, but I do wonder what greater things we would have accomplished if we came together whole and unbroken by the world. I hope that by navigating that path before you, I can help you to choose to come to a relationship whole.
On your mission to becoming you, the urge to chase boys or be noticed will arise, fight the urge to lower your standards and instead wait patiently for that perfect person instead of the person right now. They will just take a little piece of you with them and they won't even realize how special having that is. Stand tall on your own and, when the time is right, be ready to stand next to someone that treasures all the pieces of you, good and bad.
The God we believe in sees our future, to the end of our days, he knows your struggles, he loves you unconditonally. Seek God and he will lead you exactly where you need to be. Love God because his love is everlasting, never ending and beyond even death. He will lift you when you feel down, he will help you be strong when you feel weak, he will make you feel beautiful when the whole world makes you feel horrible. It says in Psalms that you are beautifully and wonderfully made, that God knit you together, he knows every part of you because he created you. Who better to help us with ourselves than our Creator?
You are treasured unconditionally by someone greater than any person on the earth, even the mom and dad that love you more than all others. God knows the number of hairs on your head, let any boy know that if he loves you how you deserve to be loved he can start counting the hairs on your head, because God loves you enough to already know. If you find a boy that is willing to do that you might have found the right one, if not, don't sell yourself short by giving anything up to a second string nobody.
And lastly, I love you more than life itself. I would step in front of any danger you face to protect you. If you make a mistake, if you make the wrong choice, if you need help out of a hole, I will be there with my super mom cape on ready for battle. Don't ever think you are alone or beyond my help or that your mom/dad will not help you. I LOVE YOU!
Now, before I end this very long post, I have to say something to that mom coming from another mother of a middle school GIRL. Those girls weren't intentionally trying to be a stumbling block to your son. Most likely they were boy crazy girls that were not raised the same way you are choosing to raise your son. I would never bash the way someone else was raised, only suggest to my own child that it isn't how they were raised to act. A valuable lesson can be learned by your son in that situation, perhaps he needed only to thank them for the compliment. No need to invite them to his beach towel or frolic with them in the pool, but a simple acknowledgement of respect and that he appreciated the compliment but isn't interested instead of a snide "like I care" might have squashed the situation. It was no matter that they were in bikinis or a burka, as my mom always said, men can find a curve in a flour sack. Just teach your boys, as some of us are teaching our girl,s to be respectful and courteous of each other and leave it at that, a lot of children these days are not coming from the same place as your son. Or feel free to use the "counting the hairs on my head" thing, it is under no copyright (insert winky face). Oh, and don't check my Facebook, I am getting ready to post a duck faced selfie with a #duckfacedselfie #beautyontheinside #dontneedyourapproval!
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