Troubled Waters

The times in which we live are turbulent.  It seems like every day we hear of another mass shooting, anger brews between religions and races and things in our personal lives crumble.  Amidst all of this turmoil, I have heard and seen many people discussing "why does God allow this to happen"?

I know that as I watched my father's health slowly crumble, as I watched the strongest man I knew lose the battle of his life, I questioned, "Why, God?"  Why did my dad, a pillar of your precedents, have to endure such pain?  I have asked myself that question for three years now, and I think I finally got my answer in a most unusual way.  Let it be said that as soon as my fingers start to type a post, I feel my dad's spirit and can almost hear him whisper to God to show me the way.  I hope these small journeys to increasing my faith in God help open your eyes to his mercy and grace.

It all started with a song.

While preparing for an impromptu trip to my dad's hometown, our YouTube mix started a song whose lyrics referenced Peter's faith tested as he walked on roaring waves to Jesus.  You may not remember this story as much as the parable of the loaves and fishes in the same chapter.  However, after the miracle of the loaves and fishes, Christ went on a mountain to pray and sent his disciples to a ship across the sea.  A storm ensued, and Jesus walked above the waves to the boat.  The disciples were afraid and thought Jesus was a ghost.  Christ assured them saying, "It is I, be not afraid," but in Peter's distrust he asked that Jesus allow him to walk on the water.  Peter, in his fear, lost sight of Jesus and began to sink, at which time Christ saved him from the waves and calmed the storm.

Oh, we of little faith!  Our lives are filled with troubled waters, these are not created by God!  God clearly states in Ephesians 6:12, "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."  Christ did not create that storm to test Peter's faith, I believe that storm was created by a darkness of the world and Christ used it as a lesson.

How many of us suffer through loss, failed marriage, financial difficulties, poor health, addiction, worry?  How many of us feel helpless to the growing unrest in our country, that the next mass shooting might be in our hometown, things that make us fearful of other people and other religions? God, in his omnipotence, did not decide that our lives were going too smoothly and decided to throw us despair, to punish our sins. These are troubled waters created by principalities, rulers of the darkness of the world.  Our failure is in recognizing from where they come.  Christ did not send Peter into the ocean amidst roaring waves to his death, he asked Peter to keep his eyes on Christ, to look above the churning waters, and walk safely to his side.  How many times do we let our grief, anger, disillusionment, fear become the troubled waters standing between us and what wonderful things Christ has in store for us?  I am a Peter, I often find myself staring at the ocean and forgetting to look above the waves.  I am guilty of sinking and requiring quick rescue by God's grace.  Can God calm the waters before we ever start that walk, yes, but then to whom would we need to rely on and have faith?

I am reminded of a hymn I remember my dad singing in a deep, sometimes off key voice, a song penned by Horatio Spafford in 1873.  Spafford had lost everything financially in 1871 during the Great Chicago Fire.  A successful attorney, his finances continued on a downturn as a financial crisis hit in 1873, at which time he decided to travel to Europe with his wife and four daughters.  In a moments decision to stay behind to take care of financial business, his wife and daughters boarded the ship.  He would receive a telegram from his wife that read "saved alone..." after their ship sank in the Atlantic and his four daughters were lost.  On his way to comfort his wife, he penned the lyrics to the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul".

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,^a
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, (it is well),
With my soul, (with my soul)
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul! ^b

^a "know" (at the end of the third line) was changed to "say".
^b "A song in the night, oh my soul" (last line)
was changed to "Even so, it is well with my soul

Spafford would have three more children, lose one to Scarlet Fever and have his church wrongly attribute his misfortune to divine punishment.  He and his wife would then move to Jerusalem and form a group called the American Colony that became trusted by Christians, Jews and Muslims.

May we all be able to look above the troubled waters.  As Spafford so eloquently put, "The Sky, not the grave, is our goal."  No matter the heartache and despair we feel in this life we struggle to cling to, our goal is to keep our eyes on Christ, to keep our eyes on the sky and realize this world is not our goal.  I have felt loss, despair, heartache.  I have shaken my fist at God and asked him to free me through death.  I have stood at the helm of my life, looked upon the storm casting my ship through wave after wave and thrown my anger at God.  In response, in all His grace and glory, He continues to hold his hand out to me and remind me to keep my eyes on Him and look above the waves.  May someday I have the faith of Peter, to walk wholly and completely into the arms of my Saviour and find peace.  Until then, I will continue to ask for God's grace for all of us, that He reminds us of His love when our lives seem hopeless.  May we remember to look for Him in all things like a ship's captain looks for a lighthouse and be drawn to safety by His light.  May the light He has placed in your heart be the lighthouse for someone else's ship lost at sea.  Thanks, dad and my heavenly father, for another nudge in the right direction.  Shine bright, little light!  

Shine On!

I did not shed a tear today.  Not one little bitter stream of water trailed down my rosy cheek.  I did not huddle under the covers and wish this day would end.  

Something no one tells you about grief is that life goes on. As you bury a loved one there was still traffic on the highway, people still went to work, children played on the playground, babies were born and families gathered around a table for dinner. This is a significant part of grief, because when you lose someone dear to you, it leaves a gaping part of your world unfilled.  The things that person did, the simplest of things, become profoundly voided in your life and I think that is why you feel like the world should halt, if not just for a moment, to make significant the life you saw as so important.  

Today would be my daddy's 79th birthday.  We would celebrate this day with family gathering together, we would have his favorite cake, we would talk and laugh and nothing significant and everything significant would happen all in the same breath. My dad was not a Nobel Peace Prize winner, a great inventor, a profound leader or a star of the silver screen.  No flags will be raised to half mast, no twenty one gun salutes will be sounded, no parades made in his honor.  However, I still face, each year, a cataclysmic sized gap in my world that otherwise keeps spinning.  Apple cake and my dad's silly jokes, talking about random places and searching maps for long lost treasures from trips past would mean nothing to anyone other than me, but those tiny tidbits are what shape the memories that signify a loss to those of us left behind.  

My dad was a bright light to the world around him.  He loved God and made no excuses as to why. He prayed for anyone he felt needed it and read the Bible like some of us read the New York Times Best Seller list.  He quoted Scripture with chapter and verse, stood firm on the use of the King James Version.  He loved my mom like no other, he brought her back to God and was a spiritual leader of our family.  I have more memories, big and small, that could fill this blogpost every day for years. But, the significance of this one is today he is missed, every day he is missed.  This year, to mark this day, I created an art piece that I am working on having printed on t-shirts.  My dad loved 'This Little Light of Mine' and in honor of him I am reminding all those around me to shine your light bright for all those around you.  

Matthew 5:16King James Version (KJV)16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

#BeautyOnTheInside! A Message to My Middle School Daughter and All Her Friends!

Today I am feeling under the weather and while taking a rest and browsing Facebook, I came across an article that both intrigued me and left me incensed at the same time.  First, I have to warn you, my views are my views, if you don't like them, walk.  I don't care if I seem rude or if your views differ from mine, respect my differences and I will respect yours, nothing you say will change my mind.  Spewing hatred of my views will only make others or myself attack yours and it is a vicious cycle that accomplishes nothing.  

Now that I have posted that disclaimer let me begin, I have a newly teenaged daughter. From the first second she was laid in my arms I have thought she was beautiful.  As she has grown, we have adopted being very open with her about any situation, we do not hide behind closed doors to talk about finances, our irritations or our parenting decisions.  We have taught her to love God, to ask him for guidance and to consider his precepts before making decisions.  I have also been completely honest with my daughter about sex, she talks openly with me when she has a question and I have answered the questions, given every slang word I am privy to and discussed her ideas on the subject.  With that said, here is what I really want to say.

The article that inspired this post was regarding a mother's letter to the middle school girls that told her son he was hot.  Well, I have a letter to my middle school girl too and it has nothing to do with who you thought was cute, but everything to do with how you present yourself.  I am writing this directly to my daughter not some fictitious girl or someone I saw in the great beyond doing something I didn't agree with.  However, if you are out there and no one has bothered to tell you this, by all means, let me be your mama voice for a minute.

My beautiful girl,

From the moment you were laid in my arms I knew that you were going to be a force to be reckoned with, my quiet storm.  Each year that you grew I never paid mind to what you wore, how others looked at you, how others viewed my parenting skills or anything other than keeping you safe and healthy and loved. Something happened around the end of elementary school that I never expected, I noticed men, that is right, MEN, looking you up and down.  You were not dressed provocatively, we had done nothing to make you look older, or painted your face with makeup.  It was then that I realized I had to keep you safe, healthy and loved in a whole different perspective.

When I say you are beautiful it is not measured by your outward appearance.  I see your kind heart, your willingness to help others, your happy go lucky spirit, your ability to adapt to change, your perseverance.  The world will tell you differently, but your soul is the most beautiful thing about you. When a boy says you are beautiful, it may come from a different place, a place of lust and desire for your physical appearance.  It will make you feel powerful, almost invincible, to know you have that effect on someone, however, remember that he doesn't see your soul.  If you have to date, when the time is right and though your dad would rather you wait until you are thirty, look for that boy that loves you with messy hair, mud all over you and laughs along with you even when you look your worst.

You can wear a bikini, a low cut shirt or shorts that leave nothing to the imagination.  The pop stars and the fashion magazines are correct, it will attract whomever you wish it to attract.  You can sashay your hips, puff out your lips, bat your eyelashes and flirt until you fall over, and it will work. Boys will line up to date you, to take you places, buy you things.  As your mom and a girl that felt all these things, though you may call me stupid or crazy, they won't fill your heart with what it ultimately longs for, that feeling of everlasting love. That power you feel over a boy's arousal is only temporary, and without an eternal commitment to only love you, their desire will dissipate if you give yourself away.

More than anything, you do not need a boy or a man to make you more than what you already are. You are strong and brave, you are smart, you are kind, you are so many things on your own they are too numerous to list.  God made men (and boys) to desire a help mate, he made woman out of a man's rib to remind man that a piece of him is missing without that perfect piece to complete him.  This will sound silly, but you are that rib bone for someone God intended just for you.  Every path you take and every decision you make will lead you to that person and those decisions will determine if you are whole or broken when you get there.  As your mom, I hope and pray that you are whole, that you don't get broken by all these stones in your way to womanhood.  I pray you rise above your peers' attitudes that their beauty is validated by lust and desire.  I pray that you realize how awesome you are all on your own, that you come to the realization that sex has nothing to do with how special you are.  I pray for the now boy that will become the man you fall in love with, that he is too dodging all the pitfalls in his path and that his decisions are molding him into something worthy of what an awesome, exquisite creation you are becoming.

In becoming even more awesome you have so much more to do before you are ready to commit to fulfilling someone else's needs.  See the world, graduate high school, graduate college, have fun with your friends, write, draw, paint, run, fly, soar, climb, hike, trek.  Do everything you want to do and then, when all these things would seem better shared with someone else, begin searching for that someone else.  In the process, don't forget that you are still exquisite, worthy of only the best and most perfect love.

I have been honest with you and told you that dad and I had our fair share of mistakes on our path to each other.  We were not immune to those same feelings you will and are experiencing.  Life after making those decisions was hard.  Your dad and I both came to our relationship broken, and instead of being whole, we had pieces missing and repairs to be made.  I don't doubt that we were meant for each other, that we are the completion of each other, but I do wonder what greater things we would have accomplished if we came together whole and unbroken by the world.  I hope that by navigating that path before you, I can help you to choose to come to a relationship whole.

On your mission to becoming you, the urge to chase boys or be noticed will arise, fight the urge to lower your standards and instead wait patiently for that perfect person instead of the person right now.  They will just take a little piece of you with them and they won't even realize how special having that is.  Stand tall on your own and, when the time is right, be ready to stand next to someone that treasures all the pieces of you, good and bad.

The God we believe in sees our future, to the end of our days, he knows your struggles, he loves you unconditonally.  Seek God and he will lead you exactly where you need to be.  Love God because his love is everlasting, never ending and beyond even death.  He will lift you when you feel down, he will help you be strong when you feel weak, he will make you feel beautiful when the whole world makes you feel horrible.  It says in Psalms that you are beautifully and wonderfully made, that God knit you together, he knows every part of you because he created you.  Who better to help us with ourselves than our Creator?  

You are treasured unconditionally by someone greater than any person on the earth, even the mom and dad that love you more than all others.  God knows the number of hairs on your head, let any boy know that if he loves you how you deserve to be loved he can start counting the hairs on your head, because God loves you enough to already know.  If you find a boy that is willing to do that you might have found the right one, if not, don't sell yourself short by giving anything up to a second string nobody.

And lastly, I love you more than life itself.  I would step in front of any danger you face to protect you.  If you make a mistake, if you make the wrong choice, if you need help out of a hole, I will be there with my super mom cape on ready for battle.  Don't ever think you are alone or beyond my help or that your mom/dad will not help you.  I LOVE YOU!


Now, before I end this very long post, I have to say something to that mom coming from another mother of a middle school GIRL.  Those girls weren't intentionally trying to be a stumbling block to your son.  Most likely they were boy crazy girls that were not raised the same way you are choosing to raise your son.  I would never bash the way someone else was raised, only suggest to my own child that it isn't how they were raised to act.  A valuable lesson can be learned by your son in that situation, perhaps he needed only to thank them for the compliment.  No need to invite them to his beach towel or frolic with them in the pool, but a simple acknowledgement of respect and that he appreciated the compliment but isn't interested instead of a snide "like I care" might have squashed the situation.  It was no matter that they were in bikinis or a burka, as my mom always said, men can find a curve in a flour sack.  Just teach your boys, as some of us are teaching our girl,s to be respectful and courteous of each other and leave it at that, a lot of children these days are not coming from the same place as your son.  Or feel free to use the "counting the hairs on my head" thing, it is under no copyright (insert winky face).  Oh, and don't check my Facebook, I am getting ready to post a duck faced selfie with a #duckfacedselfie #beautyontheinside #dontneedyourapproval!