Bittersweet Memories

There are memories that are bittersweet, mostly bitter and not so much sweet.  With that said, I hate cancer.  It robbed my mother of the love of her life, my kids of a doting grandfather, my sisters and I of our father.  Memories of my father with cancer are some of the hardest memories I have to carry.  Hearing the painful surgeries they undergo that make you physically ill, wondering if you have made the right medical decisions, sitting beside them as they struggle for comfort in a hospital bed.  These memories are hardest to bear, the weight of them sometime make my heart so heavy that tears seem to be my only release. 

We all lose someone dear to us in our lives, no one is immune to death.  For some it comes quickly and for others it is a slow journey.  It does not make it any easier whether you have had them for three days or ninety-three years, love doesn't have a timeline.  The question has been raised many times when a child passes away or someone dies at a young age why God allows such tragedy to happen.  I wish I could sit down with God and ask that same question, but there is one truth that is very apparent to me, whether one day or fifty thousand days it is never enough with someone you love. 

I think Job was God's best example of how we might be tested in walking beside Him.  God allowed Job to be tested, He knew Job was strong enough to pass the test.  Job cried out and questioned his very existence, Job 3:11 NIV, “Why did I not perish at birth, and die as I came from the womb?"  His grief was immeasurable, he lost all his children, he as wrought with disease, but he only questioned what he had done, what sin he committed.  I challenge you, especially if you feel grief or even anger towards God, to read the Bible's account of Job's life.  I find no coincidence that our Bibles follow Job with Psalms, a book of prayer and hymns to soothe our souls after hearing Job's harrowing tale.

For those of you who sympathize with me because you too have lost someone that you dearly loved, I leave you with this.  One evening, I received a MMS message from my sister of some of the first words my dad had written after his surgeries.  I happened to be listening to "Fix You" by Coldplay and it touched me deeply.  After replying to my sister, I believe including something about how the kids and I loved him, we received a picture of dad holding a hand written sign ”Love is a very splendid thing".   The day my dad passed, we played country gospel hymns all day, each of us got time with him to tell him how much he was loved, we each held his hand and got a strong squeeze to all our conversations.  God's hand touched everything that day, right down to "This Little Light of Mine" playing as he took his final breathe.  These are bittersweet memories, God chose to heal my dad in Heaven, there was no medical miracle.  But, I have faith that God brought my dad to Heaven at just the right time, as I believe for every other person I have lost in my life.  My dad impacted my life over 36 years, a little boy of only 4 years old did too, friends from high school who were gone too soon did in yet other ways.  God will use every person's time here to bless those around them, we only have to have faith in God's timing. 

Next week will mark the anniversary of my dad's last day on earth and his first day in Heaven.  I see his legacy carry on every day.  The only prayers I have is that I am able to carry on that legacy in my own family and to as many others as God will allow me.  May you find a similar peace, a purpose, something to heal your soul.